Day Twenty-Four.

November 14, 2018

8:17pm: Today was one of those days where everything just feels off. I woke up late and was really confused. I couldn’t remember what day it was and I struggled to figure out what I need to do to get ready for work. The entire time I felt blank. I wasn’t angry, sad, happy, or anything. I was just there, existing. It was weird and it took a couple hours to shake off. I eventually got into the grove of my day and work was going by fast. I had a doctors appointment at 4pm today so I left work to go to that.

It was supposed to be a quick visit. I got a new “emergency medicine” that will help with my panic attacks and my seizures if needed. It can be an addictive drug so they wanted to have a chat with me before giving it to me, which I completely understood. I didn’t get called back until 430 because my doctor was running behind. He wasn’t my normal doctor but he was on the same team. I’ve been through so many doctors that it doesn’t phase me much having to meet new doctors. He came in the room and the first thing he says is “I can see you’ve been through a lot.” I look at him slightly confused on why he would say that when we have never met before but agreed that life has been a little more than hard for me. He had me sit on the bed so he could give me a look over and started asking me all kinds of questions. I had to explain that I started antidepressants when I was only 10 years old. My anxiety didn’t kick in until I got older. I was bullied a lot growing up, spent a few years in a relationship with an abusive narcissist, I had one medical problem after another and with all those, came more anxiety. Anxiety is super hard to explain for me. I don’t normally have a reason for it. Most times I just feel my chest start to hurt, my brain gets fuzzy, my hands tremble, it gets hard to breathe and the more I notice it, the worse it gets. Next thing I know, I’m flooded with fear which leads to those lovely panic attacks. Those are almost as draining as my seizures. Once I get through them I’m exhausted, in pain, frustrated and confused. I can’t think about anything except wanting to sleep. They’re terrible and I get them at least once a week. I’m a strong, independent girl and going through those makes me so angry at myself. I want to be strong enough to control my own brain, feelings and emotions at all time. I went through all that with my doctor and he became one of the most understanding people I’ve ever met. He told me that he can see me struggling to stay strong and not get upset. He could see how exhausted, frustrated and scared I was. He could see the anxiety I try so hard to hide. He saw right through me. He got me my anxiety med but also gave me a sleep med and a miss stabilizer. He knows I need a lot of help but I’m just drowning in so much debt that I’ve kind of given up. I cried, I cried a lot. I hate looking weak but I had no choice but to admit how weak I really am. This doctor looks at me with the most concerned eyes I’ve ever seen and he says, “Do you have faith?”. I told him no. He said that’s okay but asked if he could pray for me because he’s really concerned for me. I agreed and he spent 2 minutes praying that I can find peace and that the doctors can find what’s wrong with me if there’s an underlying condition that it’s causing some of my medical problems. I am not a believer, and people have prayed for me before but that really just comforted me. It felt so good to have a doctor care so much about me and my problems. This doctor spent over an hour just listening to me, trying to help me and he BELIEVED what I had to say. He reminded me that I’m not crazy and these problems are NOT MY FAULT. It was such a relief to hear that. I’m thankful for all he did for me today. He gives me a little hope that not all doctors are careless and I finally feel like I won’t have to struggle forever.

I’m going to lay down now because my head is POUNDING from crying earlier but I really wanted to share my doctors experience with you all. It can be life saving to have someone just listen and care without judging me. I hope you all have that too. If you don’t, I will be so happy to help any of you, in any way that I can. Never forget that. Sweet dreams everyone. πŸ’•

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Day Twenty-Three.

November 13, 2018

9:20pm: I feel so insanely exhausted today. I’m not sure if it’s mentally, physically, emotionally or all three. I do however have a smile on my face because my toddler is running around, talking gibberish, being cute, and laughing up a storm. It’s hard to concentrate on writing this while she’s doing that but it’s worth it. It’s surely better than too much silence.

Today I got my first bad remark about my blog. Someone I’ve never met gave me their opinion of my blog. They told me it’s attention seeking, pointless, annoying and boring. I responded and told them that I’m sorry they felt that way. I think what some people don’t realize is I’m doing this because it helps me. If people want to read it, if it helps them, that’s a bonus but it’s mostly just to make sure I don’t stay too stuck in my head. It can be deadly holding in every thought and emotion. Which I often did before I started this blog. I would write something on my Facebook or try to talk to someone one on one but 9/10 times I’d just end up deleting the post or quickly changing subject. I don’t like to talk about myself too much. I’m so ashamed of my looks, my struggles, etc… Which makes talking about something involving me, makes me extremely uncomfortable. It’s like when people ask me if I’m okay and I want to say no, but I never do because I don’t know how to explain what’s wrong. It’s confusing to those around me when I’m like “I’m so sad and I don’t even know why.” It makes people think that I can just stop being sad, just stop struggling, just stop being hurt, just stop thinking, just stop stressing, just stop everything that I really have no control over. I want people to understand but at the same time I don’t because I wouldn’t wish any of that on anyone. I feed off the energy around me so if people are happy, it makes it easier for me to be happy. I love nothing more than seeing people being happy, feeling proud, accomplished, and content. I wish people didn’t have to ever struggle.

I’m going to spend a few minutes just writing down some things I love and things that make me happy. Im hoping it will help put a more positive vibe in my mind.

Things I love to do: Help others, Shopping, Writing, Cooking, Dancing, Working Out, Spend time with friends/family, Reading.

Things I love to eat: Sushi, Salads, Steak, Potatoes with peppers and onions, guacamole, chicken with spaghetti sauce, lettuce wraps.

TV Shows I love to watch: Shameless, The Good Doctor, The Good Place, Iron Chef, Chopped, Masterchef, The Voice.

10:46pm: Something came up that pulled me away from writing for a little bit, I apologize. I think now I’m ready just to go to sleep though. I’m feeling extremely sad, frustrated and alone… The only thing that ever helps that is sleep. So away to dream land I go I guess. Night everyone.

Day Twenty-Two

November 12, 2018

10:45pm: Good evening everyone. It’s currently 27 degrees and I’m FREEZING. I’m hoping being under a warm blanket in this chilly room will only help me sleep better. Which is the plan, right after I finish this post.

Today was a good day. I woke up a little late and in pain but that was the worst part of my day so I can’t complain too much. It got better when some amazing, kind hearted ladies helped me out. They have no idea that what they’re doing for me, is absolutely life saving for me. I don’t ask for help often. I want nothing more than to be independent at all times but sometimes people see through me and give me help without me even asking. It blows my mind and fills my heart with hope and happiness. I also got my new anxiety meds today. Something I’ve really been needing because I’ve been struggling sooooooo badly. My panic attacks have gotten much worse over the last couple years. It’s embarrassing and sometimes I’m still ashamed that I’m not strong enough to prevent them for happening. I keep telling myself that with time, I will get better control of the random pointless anxiety attacks. I’m sure I’ll always have my struggles but I truly believe in myself and my future. I know for a fact that things will get better. Not just for me but my entire family.

I got this goal journal recently. I put all my goals in there. Small and big goals. From losing weight, to getting another tattoo, to learning another language, to buying my first home. I set realistic timelines so I don’t feel overly rushed or panicked about meeting my goals. It’s helpful and gives me something to concentrate on instead of dwelling on things I can’t change. I wish I could these for everyone I know.

Speaking of gifts for everyone I know… Christmas is only 43 days away. I’m not sure I’ll be able to get my kids much this year but I surely wanna make sure I get them all a little something to make them smile. I’d also like to try and get a small gift for my fiancΓ© and my best friend. I know they’ll be understanding if I can’t but they’ll be surprised and thankful if I did. They definitely deserve a gift. They’ve done so much for me and I love them so much. At the very least, I’ll be making them a card. I enjoy making things for people so it’s a win/win situation.

I thought that I had more to write about but all my brain is thinking about is getting under these covers and falling fast asleep so I can be well rested for work for once. I hope everyone gets to wake up happy and healthy tomorrow. Sweet dreams my loves. β˜ΊοΈπŸ’‹πŸ˜΄

Day Twenty and Twenty One.

November 10, 2018

11:46pm: I wrote a lot earlier today before I went to work. However, when I was reviewing it after coming home from work, I deleted all of it. I read it and felt vulnerable, weak, stupid… I didn’t want you all to see that so I deleted and decided I just wasn’t going to write anything today. The day is almost over now and while I still don’t have the strength to rewrite all that I said earlier, I do have enough strength to admit to what I did. In fact, that wasn’t my first time either. I started this blog to help others but I’m so terrified to be 100% raw and real because deep down I’m scared no one will relate. I’m scared people who actually know me will read this and think I’m absolutely crazy. I think I’m crazy sometimes so why wouldn’t everyone else? It’s really hard to be the strong one for everyone else when in reality, I’m feeling pretty low myself. I’m spending all this time just wanting to protect and help everyone around me but denying myself whatever it is that I need. I feel really drained and unsure what my next move is supposed to be.

November 11, 2018

8:20pm: So I just realized that I didn’t publish my post from yesterday. It was still sitting in my drafts when I logged on and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to post it but I’m going to because there’s no use in me pretending to be this girl that doesn’t have breakdowns like the one I had yesterday. I have breakdowns kind of often if I’m completely honest. Some much worse than others. Some are triggered from anxiety, some from stress, some from being overwhelmed with emotions, some from lack of sleep and some are even from over thinking ridiculous unreal scenarios in my head. As I’ve admitted a million times before, I have multiple mental illnesses and unfortunately that comes with some embarrassing downfalls like common mental breakdowns. πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™€οΈπŸ€·πŸ»β€β™€οΈ

Let’s get back to the good stuff though. IT’S MY DAY OFF AND I HAVE BEEN SO LAZY! πŸ˜‚ Normally I would be disappointed in myself for that but I know the rest of the year will be overfilled with work so I might as well suck up all the lazy time I can get on my days off. Plus I have kids so it’s not like I can actually just lay in bed all day and watch movies or something. That’d be an amazing treat though.

I’d also love a date night with the fiancΓ©. It’s been a long time since we got to go on a real date. To enjoy each other’s company. We don’t even have time for real conversations anymore. Between work, kids, chores, and sleeping, we’ve lost all the time we once had. Especially because we usually work opposite shifts and he’s always home late. It upsets me but there’s not much I can do about it except keep waiting for life to give us a little time for each other. Hoping we are strong enough to get through this stressful time in our lives. There’s a few occasions though where at least we get to go to sleep at the same time. That’s better than nothing. In less than 6 months we will be celebrating our five year anniversary so I think we’ve got this! πŸ’š

Next year is going to be better, I just know it. I have this understanding that there’s things I have to do to make my life better and that most of them will take time. Losing weight, saving money, quitting soda, continuing this blog until I’m comfortable talking out loud, etc… It won’t happen over night but it can and will happen. A year from now, that will all be accomplished. I’ll be at least 50 pounds lighter. I’ll have at least $1,000 in savings. I’ll maybe even be don’t smoking and have my braces by then. Who knows? A lot can change in a year. It seems like such a long time but it also flies by so fast. Like when I think about how my girls aren’t babies any more and I’m 27 years old now, my mind is still blown. 🀯 Where did all the time go!? I’ve always heard time goes faster after you have kids and that’s seriously no joke. You have those days where you want it to be over. As in, you just want more sleep and your kids are driving you effing insane but none of those days stick with you. All you remember is the day they were born, the things they learn, the smiles & laughter, and the nights you stay up just to watch them sleep so peacefully. I wonder if my parents remember that about me too.

Does my family remember the happy girl I once was? The optimist I used to be? The sweet girl who didn’t know depression, anxiety, chronic pain or stress. Do they love me as much as they loved me then even though I’m broken? I love my family. One of my biggest regrets is definitely not being able to spend more time with them. We live in the same town and I still only see my brothers a handful of times a year. My parents 2-3 handfuls of times. I know we are all adults and have lives to live but I need to make it a goal to make us all closer again. Even just a biweekly dinner would make all the difference. I really don’t want any of us to pass away with regrets about missed time and opportunities. I know that feeling too well already and I couldn’t imagine going through it again or watching my loved ones go through it. Maybe I’ll put in some time to go talk to them and see if we can set up some plans for future gatherings. I’ll keep everyone updated on that.

11:20pm: I got distracted by my beautiful toddler but I remember this time to come back and finish out this post. I wanted to let everyone know that they matter. That things are hard for a lot of people right now but if they just keep trying to push through, there’s a light somewhere. I know this is easier said than done but every day write down something that you’re thankful for and something that makes you happy. It forces you to think positively for at least a minute every single day. Gives you something positive to think about. It seems little but it really can help. I’ll even start doing that on my blog posts.

1. I’m thankful that there’s a roof over my head to protect me from cold nights like tonight.

2. Something that makes me happy is seeing my children laugh or smile.

I thought of many other things I could write when I was thinking of those but those will be saved for my next blog posts. See you tomorrow my loves. Sweet dreams! ☺️😴

Day Nineteen.

November 9, 2018

8:07pm: Today was actually an okay day. The worst part of my day was that I didn’t have the energy this morning to do my hair and make up before work. Which really isn’t the end of the world but I’m always more comfortable when I do have the time to do it. One more day of work and then a lovely day off so that will be nice too. Saturday’s are extremely busy this time of year so it usually makes the day go by faster. The downfall of that is that my anxiety acts up most when there’s lots of people around me. My brain can’t help but constantly be thinking about what everyone thinks about me. How people think I’m fat, ugly, poor, etc… I shouldn’t care what people think of me so much but I can’t always help it. I really hope that at this time next year, I’m so much more comfortable in my body. I had a few ideas of what I wanted to write but they’ve slipped my mind of course. I need to learn to write things down when I think of them.

I do know the biggest highlight of my day was holding my best friends twin babies for the first time. That made my heart full of happiness. They’re almost 5 months old but they’re still so tiny because they were 10 weeks premature. They’re beyond sweet and I love them dearly. Almost as much as I love my own. I’m excited to watch them grow and learn.

My eyelids are heavy so I’m going to crash early for the first time in a long time. I hope everyone had a great Friday and I’ll be back tomorrow! Xoxo! Sweet Dreams πŸ’‹πŸ˜΄

Day Eighteen.

November 8, 2018

6:36pm: I’ve been home from work for about an hour but I just can’t seem to relax. Today was super stressful. I woke up late. Noticed my account over drafted by only a few dollars because one of my bills got taken out early. I felt sick to my stomach all day because I was stressing. My district manager visited us all at work which always causes a little tension in the store. Plus my heart has been all kinds of crazy today. Having a fast heartbeat can get really painful and it happens to me a lot. I know some of that would be better if I cut a majority of caffeine from my life but it’s much easier said than done. Soda and coffee are some of my favorite things in the world. I have goals to quite drinking them some day though. Maybe not forever but I’d like to cut back on them A LOT. Especially the soda.

I just realized that this year is almost over. Thanksgiving is in 14 days. Christmas is in 47 days and New Years Eve is in 53 days. It’s been a hard year and I’m glad it’s coming to an end. Holiday season is always super hard for me. My depression gets worse because nothing makes you realize how little money you have like the holidays. I wish my family had a nice get together for Thanksgiving so we could love and enjoy each other’s company while filling our bellies. I wish more than anything that I had extra money to give each of my kids a handful of gifts for Christmas so I can see the smiles and excitement radiate off them when they open them. I try to stay positive and think that maybe this time next year, things will be much different and better but it’s hard to think that way because I always do and yet things are never any different. I have goals to try and avoid Drs & hospital as much as possible next year because that will make such a big difference in how much debt I have. I have thousands in π•„π•–π••π•šπ•”π•’π• debt that I’ve gotta pay off with my taxes. That’s something I feel like I never get caught up on. It’s kind of sickening how much it cost to see people who are supposed to help you. I understand they deserve to be paid but hundreds of dollars an hour to see a doctor and thousands of dollars for a single test sometimes is just flat out nonsense. That’s a conversation that always gets my blood boiling. 🀬

I’m going to spend some time with my little baby but I’ll surely write a little more before a crash tonight. Be back soon! ☺️

11:33pm: Time flies when you’re enjoying your children. I had a good night and now it’s time for bed. Hope everyone has sweet dreams tonight. Sleep well! πŸ’‹

Day Seventeen.

November 7, 2018

10:25pm: I’ve gotta get to bed so I don’t have time to write much but wanted to let everyone know that today was an okay day. I woke up in pain which really stressed me out and made work drag out slowly but I survived. Now I’m home and my toddler is being loud and crazy which is frustrating because we live in an apartment but hopefully she’ll burn the last or her energy soon and sleep well tonight. Tomorrow I don’t work such a long shift so maybe I’ll get enough quiet time to actually write. I think I really need to. I can feel my stress levels building back up because my brain is overwhelmed with thoughts again. For now though, I just gotta get this baby to bed so I can get to bed.

I hope you all had a good day today and an even better day tomorrow. XoxoπŸ’‹ Sweet Dreams.