November 14, 2018
8:17pm: Today was one of those days where everything just feels off. I woke up late and was really confused. I couldn’t remember what day it was and I struggled to figure out what I need to do to get ready for work. The entire time I felt blank. I wasn’t angry, sad, happy, or anything. I was just there, existing. It was weird and it took a couple hours to shake off. I eventually got into the grove of my day and work was going by fast. I had a doctors appointment at 4pm today so I left work to go to that.
It was supposed to be a quick visit. I got a new “emergency medicine” that will help with my panic attacks and my seizures if needed. It can be an addictive drug so they wanted to have a chat with me before giving it to me, which I completely understood. I didn’t get called back until 430 because my doctor was running behind. He wasn’t my normal doctor but he was on the same team. I’ve been through so many doctors that it doesn’t phase me much having to meet new doctors. He came in the room and the first thing he says is “I can see you’ve been through a lot.” I look at him slightly confused on why he would say that when we have never met before but agreed that life has been a little more than hard for me. He had me sit on the bed so he could give me a look over and started asking me all kinds of questions. I had to explain that I started antidepressants when I was only 10 years old. My anxiety didn’t kick in until I got older. I was bullied a lot growing up, spent a few years in a relationship with an abusive narcissist, I had one medical problem after another and with all those, came more anxiety. Anxiety is super hard to explain for me. I don’t normally have a reason for it. Most times I just feel my chest start to hurt, my brain gets fuzzy, my hands tremble, it gets hard to breathe and the more I notice it, the worse it gets. Next thing I know, I’m flooded with fear which leads to those lovely panic attacks. Those are almost as draining as my seizures. Once I get through them I’m exhausted, in pain, frustrated and confused. I can’t think about anything except wanting to sleep. They’re terrible and I get them at least once a week. I’m a strong, independent girl and going through those makes me so angry at myself. I want to be strong enough to control my own brain, feelings and emotions at all time. I went through all that with my doctor and he became one of the most understanding people I’ve ever met. He told me that he can see me struggling to stay strong and not get upset. He could see how exhausted, frustrated and scared I was. He could see the anxiety I try so hard to hide. He saw right through me. He got me my anxiety med but also gave me a sleep med and a miss stabilizer. He knows I need a lot of help but I’m just drowning in so much debt that I’ve kind of given up. I cried, I cried a lot. I hate looking weak but I had no choice but to admit how weak I really am. This doctor looks at me with the most concerned eyes I’ve ever seen and he says, “Do you have faith?”. I told him no. He said that’s okay but asked if he could pray for me because he’s really concerned for me. I agreed and he spent 2 minutes praying that I can find peace and that the doctors can find what’s wrong with me if there’s an underlying condition that it’s causing some of my medical problems. I am not a believer, and people have prayed for me before but that really just comforted me. It felt so good to have a doctor care so much about me and my problems. This doctor spent over an hour just listening to me, trying to help me and he BELIEVED what I had to say. He reminded me that I’m not crazy and these problems are NOT MY FAULT. It was such a relief to hear that. I’m thankful for all he did for me today. He gives me a little hope that not all doctors are careless and I finally feel like I won’t have to struggle forever.
I’m going to lay down now because my head is POUNDING from crying earlier but I really wanted to share my doctors experience with you all. It can be life saving to have someone just listen and care without judging me. I hope you all have that too. If you don’t, I will be so happy to help any of you, in any way that I can. Never forget that. Sweet dreams everyone. 💕